from the way i used to think i didnt really care about trying to meet anyone irl (still working on that..) or trying to dress more nicely, or decorate my room or keep up any looks etc because all that matters was who i am (which is still true! but at the same time, its not in a way that encourages working on yourself) but i thought that way because when youre online, thats all that really exists anyway. you cant have any physical flaws that make others want to keep a distance because you dont exist physically, online. and when youre online you forget that you still exist physically to others. you still exist physically even to yourself..

i used to feel bad whenever i was separated from my online presence/laptop/phone and forced to exist on earth because i didnt really try to put any of my online personality into my spirit or body anymore. my being?. yeah whatever. because i only know how to exist online, only online friends, interests, music, hobbies are digital, entertainment is hosted online, etc, just isolating yourself from the entire world is a bigger problem than it seems

theres nothing wrong with enjoying being online imo. its not the point im trying to make here, i guess what ive realized recently is that its important to find some parts of yourself that only the real world can bring out best.

im homeschooled and practically neet since maybe 2 ish years ago, which finally cut the last tie that myself had to real life, which was participating in public education. honestly it was for the better of my mental health and im doing much better now, being homeschooled isnt the bigger problem here, but its forced me to be inside 24/7.

i leave the house maybe once a week if at all, i dont get that natural social interaction with kids around my age, i have no classmates. i dont have many responsibilities like school work and such, so nothing thats important for me to fight for myself, or work on to improve myself. i have no answer when anybody asks me how schools going. no backpack to decorate or lunch table to associate myself with. no locker or hallways to memorize. no quiz to study for or teacher to get to know. no outfits to pick everyday and i rarely change my clothes at all since i dont leave my house anyway. no favorite pencil or subject, or books to read during class. no school dances to plan or ask a date to or dress up for

which i get all of this can seem like the dream to someone that is in school since i have all of the free time students wish they had but at the same time its too much for me sometimes. i cant really just fix these problems by doing anything different.
it makes my own struggles with loneliness feel a lot worse, and harder to deal with since i dont really have anyone to meet up with and try to get closer to irl, so its difficult to tackle the problem head-on

its a big joke that having the only thing to do all day is complain and change the pfp of your twitter account but its really all i could do. occasionally i post photos of my real life bedroom or something i bought (...online) but the only breaking news channels i watch is when my friends or i get suspended for doing something against the websites tos. i dont stress over essays to write all night i just play games before the limited even is over. which ill say it again is really numbing and so far-removed from reality that its really sad

and because everyone around me is so preoccupied with their real life, and im completely free and online, we dont share many of the same struggles or experiences at all. i cant sigh or gossip with another classmate because of how annoying a shared teacher is (which i have done before, and why i really miss it). i can try really hard to empathize with an online experience with server mods and mutuals but you can see just how. odd. and removed these 2 experiences are from each other

whats really helped me realize this is watching my online friends post about events theyve gone to or things theyve done irl, online.. its made me really realize how much of real life experiences im missing out on

by real life i mean widely shared experiences, like something everyone has done or struggled with before once in their life. i dont have any irl friends i see regularly, so anything involving close friends is not relatable.. i dont lose notebooks or items on school grounds, or forget my homework because im just given all of the time in the world for this. i dont have school lunches to laugh at.

fridays arent important to me anymore because i do the same exact thing every day that it all blends together to me. the only reason i keep up a sleep schedule at all is because that blends the days together way too much and throws me into a wild depressive episode each time. which is such a blessing to have and opportunity to be given but can also get really unhealthy really fast when it becomes all youre used to and all you know anymore

back to the first thing i was talking about... its really really difficult, even after hearing this and knowing through and through how sad this all is, for me to care any at all, because... i still dont have any obligation to. the most eventful of my recent days is going to the library out of boredom and leaving after 3 minutes, out of boredom. and then its just back to the clock ticking until the next time im forced to present myself in real life

somehow ive found it back in myself though to care enough about spending my money decorating my room or clothes. guys my closet isnt full of just sweatpants anymore!!!!!! i have like 2 pairs of jeans now!!! and i want to get posters for my room too. and ill slowly build a room that looks like it belongs to a 15 year old girl again. instead of like, a guest or storage bedroom that has a bug problem (sorry)

and somehow im not stupid depressed, like major depressed by all of this. theres others that are affected so much more by the same exact problems im having. im really not sure how i find the motivation in myself to get out of bed, stay awake most of the day AND take the trash and dishes out of my room every night. i do struggle with brushing my teeth regularly but really even just that is impressive

my first step to moving back to planet earth is to stop listening to game osts. really. yes english music. english lyrics and all. me 3 months ago wouldnt believe me now if i said i had lady gaga on my playlist I wanna fuck the government hooker (Back up and turn around) Stop fucking me government hooker (Put your hands on the ground)

so i think the next step is getting involved in local events and keeping up with local news. and also decorating my room that will take a while because i dont have a job haha. ha

thats all for now i believe... hope you learned something new from my neet experiences... or enjoyed this in some way... or it gives you something to think about. if you do have something to add, rip a piece of paper out from your science notebook and pass me a note where the teacher cant see on curiouscat and ill read and respond. ty for being my sole source of company here in this world wide web. much love